Yours Truly

My photo
is behind you.
I am a confused, dangerous little girl. And I bite. Fear me.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Honestly,

I'm a not a fighter. I'm a coward. I give up a lot and I never try my best. I think the last time (and maybe the only time) I tried my best was when I was writing essays in Brother Albinus' English class. In 2009. Two years ago. Ever since then? hahahah lol.

I don't know why I never push myself. I don't know why when anyone else tries, I just nod but do nothing. Am I stubborn? I've never really thought of myself as stubborn, just more of a "yes, I hear you and I agree whole-heartedly, but I shall do that later teehee" kind of person. Is that being too complacent? I'm very laid-back.. And I procrastinate everything from waking up to going to sleep. But yeah, I'm starting to think yes, I'm stubborn and rebellious. ...in a quiet way.

Because whenever someone pushes me, I resist. ): I don't dare be pushed forward. The harder you push, the harder I dig my heels into the ground. And I do it unconsciously. It's so stupid. I can give great advice, I can see what's clearly wrong with me, I know what I should do...but I can't. And saying, "No, I can! Because nothing is impossible." hasn't changed me yet.

So I'm really scared. I don't think I can make it out there. I don't think it's fully hit me yet that, "Hey, Chris. You're 17. You're actually your seniors' age when you were form 1 and thought they were so grown-up and confident and ready for life and success. You're leaving this town soon. Your friends, your family, your shelter, comfort, childhood, your everything. You're growing up."

No. I look at myself in a mirror and still see a fifteen-year-old, at the very most. I don't know how the form 1s see me, but I'm pretty sure I don't carry that aura my senior form 5s of 2007 had. I cannot, I just can't.

And telling me things like, "No, Chris. I believe in you. I KNOW you can do it. I can just see it." makes me feel even worse. Because I can't see it and I can't even begin to imagine it. How can you see it, when I'm not even working for it? And when I don't understand myself how it...or anything else, really, could happen, I reject it completely.

Also what scares me the most is knowing I have a very high chance of getting cancer and dying because I'm not a fighter. I don't have the strength or will to persevere and force myself out of bed or to overcome such a disease. And me saying this already reduces the chance of surviving even more. I'm not like my dad, who never gives up and fights against cruel fate, who forced himself up every day during chemo when weak and shaking to exercise and sweat the toxins out to get healthy again, who told me, "I won't let myself die until I see you graduate."

I'm now even scared of having a family or getting into anything because if I do die, I'll cause so much trouble, pain, heartache and regrets among them. What more if I leave when my kids are barely toddlers (if I do get kids). I want to be able to fight to live for my kids, but..I don't think I can. Unless I change.

But I don't know how.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Find your passion and work on it lah lol..

na said...

stupid girl. i told you we're living till seventy at the LEAST. don't break your promise to me. we'll get there and i'm right next to you growing up as well.

Jesslyn said...

idiot. you are really one stubborn kid you know that? because of your stubborness that makes you a strong kid who lives by her own rules. and because of that, nothing else can bring you down! because you are you. everybody around you is always helping you and guiding you! sure you don't wanna let us down do you? but just wanted you to know that, you are not alone okay..NOT and NEVERRRR will be! cos we will be here for you! till the end!

Resha said...

I can relate, Chrissy. Not a hundred percent, but some, at least. Everyone's so confident that you/I can do something, but... we ourselves know that we didn't give it our all and... it just messes my mind up. X_X AND I'M ELDER THAN YOU AND I'M STILL LIKE THAT. Oh yeah, and I had that Form 1-Senior thought thing too :O Haha, I thought it was funny, in a way. Even now when I'm in college, I still think that way sometimes. Like, when I was younger I always thought "Wow! That person's in college already! So mature and they have direction and everything already!" but... here I am, still kinda lost, not knowing where I'm going. But hey, no rush. Take it slow. :) We all have our own paces to go at.

Alexander Yang said...

jgnla emo~~~ walao~~~

shocked the shit outta me!

im FARRRR worser off than u leh~~~
chill kay???????

u gots US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hey, i'm a form 1. Me and my friends thinks that you're as a courages, cute, funny, always carries that kind of smiley-faces kind of person. Stay that way :).