Growing Old; Letting Go

When I think about school now, I get this bittersweet kind of feeling. It's not yet too long a time for me to be feeling nostalgic and missing for the days with my friends-that-are-awesomer-than-yours-teehee but I don't know.

I keep wondering about what's happening in school, how's this junior, how's that teacher, how's this club doing, so forth. It sounds like what most school-leavers would think about but I somehow feel like mine are more...self-centered. I feel like it's just because I want to know, because I used to be able to know about it so fast and it made me feel...secured. Like at least I knew something. I don't really much care for gossip about other people, especially people I don't know, but when it was about my surroundings and especially my school environment with all my involvement in it...it was a nice feeling to know about it.

With no school starting here, in this entirely new environment until a week more, I feel like I'm wasting away, literally not doing much of anything. I don't know what to do with myself. It's like an in-between and I can't go anywhere yet.

I want to be back home, visiting school, helping out, chillin' about...in the staff room....and not in class...shh.

At least it felt like I was doing something productive.

I don't know whether it could be said I'm just longing for my past so-called "Glory Days" back in school, but--

I don't know if I'd be able to accomplish as much as I did back home. Which wasn't much to start with. Especially academically HAHAHHA.

--but I guess, in a way, I do.

This blog has become an emo blog. Yay me!

That aside, random picture of my favourite classy/pro/neutral nails to wear as to date!

More yays!

Thought of the Day #28

i wish my family wasn't so suspectible to cancer. then maybe i'd be able to worry less when painting nails. or purchasing those beautifully coloured bottles of...colour.

Thought of the Day #27

listening to stories of my dad's past makes me cry sometimes.

i'm so glad he remembers what it's like being a child and the promises he made to himself when he was young.

"when i grow up, i want to be rich enough to be able to afford a bowl of kolo mee every day."

because he couldn't afford that 20 cents bowl when he was young.


well, my dad has fulfilled that promise, so he's satisfied.

Thought of the Day #26

When did we decide that white skin was more beautiful? Or that tanned skin, brown skin, dark skin or pale skin was more beautiful or not? All skins are beautiful.

Thought of the Day #25

Isn't it funny how some people are so different in real life to what they are on the internet?

Thought of the Day #24

Death is not a sad thing.

Death is only sad for those who are left behind.

Thought of the Day #22

I WANT TO WRITE!!! but i don't know what to write about ):


Studio Ghibli movies inspire me :)

Dislike Buttons

I can't see how shallow some people are, demanding for a dislike button on facebook.

Do they not truly realise how many people use facebook? How many of them who are less confident, more insecure and certainly more suicidal than the average human being? And how many more mean people exist on the same social networking website?

Imagine if facebook did have a Dislike button. And most of the people on someone's friends list did not like him/her and disliked nearly everything s/he did on facebook. Even the most confident of people would suffer a major drop in self-esteem.

It's not a nice feeling to know you're disliked.

A lot more people will become suicidal.

It's not a nice feeling to know you've helped someone kill oneself either.

The number of cons greatly outweigh the pros of having a dislike button which can be used on pages such as "WAR".

Don't let Facebook become a cyberbully website so easily.

Stay off the dislike button.

Thought of the Day #21

why my chin so sharp!!! D:

Honestly,

I'm a not a fighter. I'm a coward. I give up a lot and I never try my best. I think the last time (and maybe the only time) I tried my best was when I was writing essays in Brother Albinus' English class. In 2009. Two years ago. Ever since then? hahahah lol.

I don't know why I never push myself. I don't know why when anyone else tries, I just nod but do nothing. Am I stubborn? I've never really thought of myself as stubborn, just more of a "yes, I hear you and I agree whole-heartedly, but I shall do that later teehee" kind of person. Is that being too complacent? I'm very laid-back.. And I procrastinate everything from waking up to going to sleep. But yeah, I'm starting to think yes, I'm stubborn and rebellious. ...in a quiet way.

Because whenever someone pushes me, I resist. ): I don't dare be pushed forward. The harder you push, the harder I dig my heels into the ground. And I do it unconsciously. It's so stupid. I can give great advice, I can see what's clearly wrong with me, I know what I should do...but I can't. And saying, "No, I can! Because nothing is impossible." hasn't changed me yet.

So I'm really scared. I don't think I can make it out there. I don't think it's fully hit me yet that, "Hey, Chris. You're 17. You're actually your seniors' age when you were form 1 and thought they were so grown-up and confident and ready for life and success. You're leaving this town soon. Your friends, your family, your shelter, comfort, childhood, your everything. You're growing up."

No. I look at myself in a mirror and still see a fifteen-year-old, at the very most. I don't know how the form 1s see me, but I'm pretty sure I don't carry that aura my senior form 5s of 2007 had. I cannot, I just can't.

And telling me things like, "No, Chris. I believe in you. I KNOW you can do it. I can just see it." makes me feel even worse. Because I can't see it and I can't even begin to imagine it. How can you see it, when I'm not even working for it? And when I don't understand myself how it...or anything else, really, could happen, I reject it completely.

Also what scares me the most is knowing I have a very high chance of getting cancer and dying because I'm not a fighter. I don't have the strength or will to persevere and force myself out of bed or to overcome such a disease. And me saying this already reduces the chance of surviving even more. I'm not like my dad, who never gives up and fights against cruel fate, who forced himself up every day during chemo when weak and shaking to exercise and sweat the toxins out to get healthy again, who told me, "I won't let myself die until I see you graduate."

I'm now even scared of having a family or getting into anything because if I do die, I'll cause so much trouble, pain, heartache and regrets among them. What more if I leave when my kids are barely toddlers (if I do get kids). I want to be able to fight to live for my kids, but..I don't think I can. Unless I change.

But I don't know how.

Thought of the Day #20

ya i love my braddah :D

TRALALALA :)

I’m not clumsy. It’s just that the floor hates me, tables and chairs attack me, and the wall just gets in the way.

Thought of the Day #19

NO act of kindness,
no matter how small,
is ever wasted.
:)

~AESOP

Thought of the Day #18

If you mah friend, you be cared for :D always. ♥

The Man He Killed

"HAD he and I but met
By some old ancient inn,
We should have set us down to wet
Right many a nipperkin!

But ranged as infantry,
And staring face to face,
I shot at him as he at me,
And killed him in his place.

I shot him dead because--
Because he was my foe,
Just so: my foe of course he was;
That's clear enough; although

He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
Off-hand like--just as I--
Was out of work--had sold his traps--
No other reason why.

Yes; quaint and curious war is!
You shoot a fellow down
You'd treat, if met where any bar is,
Of help to half a crown."

~Thomas Hardy

why must we fight and have wars? i wish people weren't so selfish. then freedom would come without the need of bloodshed. a happy, perfect eutopia.

...sounds funny. LOL. yehh not gonna happen, i guess.

Thought of the Day #16

Never ever regret anything that has made you smile. (:

April 3

The bluebird carries the sky on his back. ~Henry David Thoreau

Thought of the Day #14

Thought of the Day #13

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

Thought of the Day #12

I love Kuching. :D

i realised it on the flight back, when they were playing this advertisement on the tiny screen about sarawak and kuching and they showed the sungai sarawak, those cat statues in town, india street, angmohs staring at these places... and i suddenly felt so proud because i knew these places and i actually wanted to cry.

(that may or may not have been due to the depressing music i was listening to.)




i'll definitely come back to this place one day.