Growing Old; Letting Go

When I think about school now, I get this bittersweet kind of feeling. It's not yet too long a time for me to be feeling nostalgic and missing for the days with my friends-that-are-awesomer-than-yours-teehee but I don't know.

I keep wondering about what's happening in school, how's this junior, how's that teacher, how's this club doing, so forth. It sounds like what most school-leavers would think about but I somehow feel like mine are more...self-centered. I feel like it's just because I want to know, because I used to be able to know about it so fast and it made me feel...secured. Like at least I knew something. I don't really much care for gossip about other people, especially people I don't know, but when it was about my surroundings and especially my school environment with all my involvement in it...it was a nice feeling to know about it.

With no school starting here, in this entirely new environment until a week more, I feel like I'm wasting away, literally not doing much of anything. I don't know what to do with myself. It's like an in-between and I can't go anywhere yet.

I want to be back home, visiting school, helping out, chillin' about...in the staff room....and not in class...shh.

At least it felt like I was doing something productive.

I don't know whether it could be said I'm just longing for my past so-called "Glory Days" back in school, but--

I don't know if I'd be able to accomplish as much as I did back home. Which wasn't much to start with. Especially academically HAHAHHA.

--but I guess, in a way, I do.

This blog has become an emo blog. Yay me!

That aside, random picture of my favourite classy/pro/neutral nails to wear as to date!

More yays!

Thought of the Day #24

Death is not a sad thing.

Death is only sad for those who are left behind.

Dislike Buttons

I can't see how shallow some people are, demanding for a dislike button on facebook.

Do they not truly realise how many people use facebook? How many of them who are less confident, more insecure and certainly more suicidal than the average human being? And how many more mean people exist on the same social networking website?

Imagine if facebook did have a Dislike button. And most of the people on someone's friends list did not like him/her and disliked nearly everything s/he did on facebook. Even the most confident of people would suffer a major drop in self-esteem.

It's not a nice feeling to know you're disliked.

A lot more people will become suicidal.

It's not a nice feeling to know you've helped someone kill oneself either.

The number of cons greatly outweigh the pros of having a dislike button which can be used on pages such as "WAR".

Don't let Facebook become a cyberbully website so easily.

Stay off the dislike button.

Honestly,

I'm a not a fighter. I'm a coward. I give up a lot and I never try my best. I think the last time (and maybe the only time) I tried my best was when I was writing essays in Brother Albinus' English class. In 2009. Two years ago. Ever since then? hahahah lol.

I don't know why I never push myself. I don't know why when anyone else tries, I just nod but do nothing. Am I stubborn? I've never really thought of myself as stubborn, just more of a "yes, I hear you and I agree whole-heartedly, but I shall do that later teehee" kind of person. Is that being too complacent? I'm very laid-back.. And I procrastinate everything from waking up to going to sleep. But yeah, I'm starting to think yes, I'm stubborn and rebellious. ...in a quiet way.

Because whenever someone pushes me, I resist. ): I don't dare be pushed forward. The harder you push, the harder I dig my heels into the ground. And I do it unconsciously. It's so stupid. I can give great advice, I can see what's clearly wrong with me, I know what I should do...but I can't. And saying, "No, I can! Because nothing is impossible." hasn't changed me yet.

So I'm really scared. I don't think I can make it out there. I don't think it's fully hit me yet that, "Hey, Chris. You're 17. You're actually your seniors' age when you were form 1 and thought they were so grown-up and confident and ready for life and success. You're leaving this town soon. Your friends, your family, your shelter, comfort, childhood, your everything. You're growing up."

No. I look at myself in a mirror and still see a fifteen-year-old, at the very most. I don't know how the form 1s see me, but I'm pretty sure I don't carry that aura my senior form 5s of 2007 had. I cannot, I just can't.

And telling me things like, "No, Chris. I believe in you. I KNOW you can do it. I can just see it." makes me feel even worse. Because I can't see it and I can't even begin to imagine it. How can you see it, when I'm not even working for it? And when I don't understand myself how it...or anything else, really, could happen, I reject it completely.

Also what scares me the most is knowing I have a very high chance of getting cancer and dying because I'm not a fighter. I don't have the strength or will to persevere and force myself out of bed or to overcome such a disease. And me saying this already reduces the chance of surviving even more. I'm not like my dad, who never gives up and fights against cruel fate, who forced himself up every day during chemo when weak and shaking to exercise and sweat the toxins out to get healthy again, who told me, "I won't let myself die until I see you graduate."

I'm now even scared of having a family or getting into anything because if I do die, I'll cause so much trouble, pain, heartache and regrets among them. What more if I leave when my kids are barely toddlers (if I do get kids). I want to be able to fight to live for my kids, but..I don't think I can. Unless I change.

But I don't know how.